I wonder if they tested this fucker before they released this... thing. I can hear a discussion in an EA Sports meeting in my head.
Producer: Hey, anyone got any ideas for this game we should release in the coming month?
Programmer: Huh? Which game?
Producer: NHL 09
Sounds designer: Hey we can use the sounds from last year for that! I can ask my 10 year old son for some good music for the menus. He has a great taste for music.
Producer: That's cool, dawg
Programmer #2: I've got some cool ideas. I've been watching some hockey on TV and-
Programmer #1: Fuck real hockey! Here's some things we should do:
-We should have a mode where you control one player and that's way cool. For that we should create a league, say, EA Sports hockey league we should call it
-Then there would be rankings for it and if you're doing good, but lose ONE game, you lose OVER NINE THOUSAND POINTS and drop 5-20 ranks. IF a club wins, they shall be awarded 3 points. This way we'll get them playing lots of games.
-Players won't like sitting in the penalty box. Let's not make the ref call those hundreds should-be called interference penalties everyone would be taking. But, if those chaps from the Turku area decide to form a team, let's make them for pay that one hit they make in a game!
Producer: Yeah, maybe you should work on a cool checking engine? If players don't get penalties they'll be liking them kick ass bodies flying all over the place!
Sound Designer: We can use the sounds from last year for that!
Director & Producer: Cool!
Programmer #2: And for EASHL, we shall create a lobby where 6 people fit. However, the team player limit shall be 50. Let's not make sub-lobbies so the players don't get confused. It's easy to program and there shouldn't be any bugs with it so not much testing is needed.
Programmer #3: I've been thinking about the gameplay now that you mention a hockey game.. I think players' characters should poke the occasional loose puck away, especially if it's in front of the opponent's net. That won't be irritating in the slightest. Also, they shouldn't be able to get a hold of every slowly moving loose puck, that would be overkill.
Programmer #3: Also, if you have the poke check button pressed when you do get a hold of the puck, you shouldnt be able to do anything but saucer pass
Programmer #2: Yeah, and if you shoot the puck towards the net 2 feet away from the goal line, it should be very probable that a player hits the crossbar. We won't be wanting them scoring on a weak goalie, erh, a goalie that isn't fully tested. We can use the goalie from '08 but only make them faster, and prone to make WICKED desperation save every fucking time. Also, to help bad teams in scoring, the goalie should have an arsenal of weak goals. Like when a player comes in from the side, what should the goalie think? Make a save? WRONG, FUCKERS! I'll drop my shit to the ground and let him score top shelf!
Sound Designer: We're gonna need that Bill dude and that Garry boy or whatshisname come over and do some new lines for that... it's gonna cost money boys!
Producer: No worries guys, I'm gonna do some intensive PR on this stuff and get shit going!
Programmer #1: I'm not your guy, friend!
I totally like scoring and assists though. Winning is cool too. Sometimes I even enjoy playing despite all the flaws.